THIS JUST IN!

Top new headlines from around the world:

Ford, GM and Chrysler announced record profits after a combined initiative perfecting the fuel cell vehicle allowing up to 100 MPG in most mid-sized vehicles. Manufacturing costs with the new technology are so low as to allow base model vehicles to begin selling at under $6,000 while still maintaining a margin that the auto manufacturers refer to as "solid".

The US Senate and House of Representatives passed unanimously a resolution to repeal the income tax after the second straight year of a surplus after completely repaying the national debt and returning to the gold standard along with the rest of the world. All taxes will be collected via current sales tax. President-Elect Shia LaBeouf (Libertarian) said that he is proud to be coming in to office after his predecessor had done such a wonderful job and vows to change very little in policy. His administrations only real initiative stated so far was the complete dismantling of the IRS.

The United African Nations report that the last remaining AIDS victim has been successfully cured after a 6 month blitz across the continent with the UB2 serum. Vice-Chancellor Mugabian said that his nation is now turning a corner and simply needs time to address burgeoning economy and focus on how it can best fit into and help support, the rest of the world.

Iran and Israel announced a joint space exploration venture aimed at the complete mapping and future settlement of Titan, Saturn's largest moon. They are planning on launching the venture from their current joint settlement on Mars and utilizing some of the same technologies currently in use there. Leaders in both countries continue to be extremely enthusiastic over their progress and state that after colonizing Titan, they will be turning their attention to our own oceans and plan to establish a colony in the Mariana Trench.

China, breadbasket to the world, announces a record bumper crop due to virtually ideal conditions over the past year allowing for an increase in food storage to over 5 years worth of yearly exports. Minister of Agriculture Hoy stated that food prices would remain at an all time low and that China was committed to ensuring a uninterrupted flow of raw food products to around the world as well as our moon colonies.

Ok, so its not real news, but it sure as heck beats whats out there right now.